Christ In the Vessel

2008-03-15T02:23:00.000-07:00

Y’know, one of the things I’d like to do in my lifetime is take off to another country- I don’t know where, but some place that is devoid of hustle and bustle, of a suffocating society; that is serene, placid. Some place that offers but a simple,happy life- soaking in the sights and sounds, writing a book.

Who knows when such a time will come. Who knows.
But when it does… Im absolutely sure it will be greeted with a great deal of relish.

2008-03-10T19:40:00.000-07:00

2008-03-10T02:35:00.000-07:00

It’s Time for a change, no?

Yeeeeows! I have decided, to follow jesus… no turning back.. no turning back.
well yes, that- and also, I will be switching back to wordpress for reasons I am quite clearly lazy to declare/state/mention/point out/bring up/announce/talk about… so keep me in your links if you’re reading me, I will update you folks as and when that happens.

‘a ship is safe at harbour, yes- but that’s not what ships were made for’ –John A.Shedd.
beautiful, and absolutely true-don’t you think?
I’ve been frustrated for the longest time, at the fact that im very,very lost with my life right now.
And so it is with many other people in this world, I believe… thus I strike out loneliness as one thing that’s eating me up. Haha. It’s a phase, rebecca aptly puts it. and it’ll get better.
Of course I can’t wait to pluge into some sense of certainty and less violatality but that’s how life is…
in the hope that it will get better we continue to fight, some of us lose sense of what we’re fighting for and then we crash, and then we get back up, find new direction… and we start living again.
there’ll always be an opportunity cost, and nothing we do will free us from this, this price we have to pay for who we are- limited, finite, not perfect… beings.

but it gets better, it does.

I watched a video this morning from an email I received sent by I-don’t-remember-who- and it was excruciating for the whole ten minutes of its entirety. Im sorry if im crude, but that’s just who these people are- sick,perverse scum. In a rural farm in China they skin animals alive and throw them against the ground or beat up their head for reacting to this agonizing experience- then when they’re done, their bloodied, breathing bodies are thrown into a heap of others who suffer the same fate,left to die. It’s sad, how they could bring themselves to such callous, brutal acts. It was absolutely repulsive.

well, that’s how it is growing up.
you see things, know things. and all too soon you realise that the world is not as simple as it seemed; that it is tainted, that it quite easily falls into decadence,dissipation-ruin.

2008-03-06T00:37:00.000-08:00

‘One often finds his destiny on the road he took to avoid it’ – Jean De La Fountaine

If you’re thinking what I’m thinking then no- im not about to preach. Haha.
The Leap Years in my opinion is one of the best local film productions we’ve ever had… It was beautiful.
seems like there’s still a piece of the pie in the movie industry for singapore after all, no?
across the universe is absolutely worth a watch too… If you’re an aficionado for bright,stunning colours…a clever plot and spontaneous bursting into song… this one’s for you. :D

next stop, garden state.

2008-02-24T22:42:00.000-08:00

Hearts don’t become stones overnight.

Instead, it is the tragic consequence of rebellion over time.
Every act of rebellion dulls the conscience. Every sinful choice to resist God, to go our own way, to do our own thing, empowers the flesh and increases carnality. And slowly, but surely- the heart starts to stray.

Even before I cross into my second year in np, I realise that it is more than just timely that SP received word from God that the church was to enter a season of fasting and prayer.It is a divine appointment.
The very crux of fasting lies in us being willing to set ourselves apart for God.
This world that you and I live in, it teaches us to live for ourselves.
We are driven by our own interests, compelled to pursue our own passions and dreams.

Nothing’s wrong with that, of course.
Except that when things begin to fall apart, we turn our backs on God.
Except that if we achieve success, we feast on bigger things. Things that, in our desperation- we have allowed to become bigger than God. Our ambitions, our dreams, our desires and even our interests- are but specks of dust to God because He has better plans for our future than we care to look at.We know that this means trouble. And we want to avoid that as much as possible.

But I’ve learnt that the key to growth is brokeness.
That’s the only option available to us should we want to grow in intimacy with God and find peace despite the stroms that surround us. It is a process that calls for us to surrender our ability to do anything, our rights, our desires- and allow God to have free reign in us, to enter our lives with full control and with the permission to do as He pleases. It is a process of restructuring, rebuilding, restoring. And that’s precisely why it hurts, badly. That’s the point though, isnt it? Finding rest in God is not about sailing through the storms of life, but in rising up each time we fall although we are shattered and in dispair- uncertain about His will, but holding on to His promises that it is always in our best interest.

Think you’ve got it all planned out?
Think again.
God has the bigger picture. (;

2008-02-17T19:29:00.000-08:00

Self-serving beings.
something to frown upon, but that’s just what we are.
our frantic search for substitutes bring us no closer to our intrinsic desires, of love and identity.
Our indulgance in carnal pleasures and the fleeting spurts of entertainment of our time quickly destroy us, burn us up inside.
It’s synonymous with everyone, anyone.

Don’t You get it?
We’re going up in flames.
But the beautiful thing is, we have hope for salvation.
there’s a way out of this cesspool, the emotional wreckages we’ve landed ourselves in.
No, this is not my attempt at exposition.Rather, it reflects a heart cry. Born of Jadedness, perhaps.
if you and I were as able to discern truth from deception as we sometimes claim to be, the wolrd would’nt be the mess that it is today. but I find strength in my understanding of salvation,of pieceing together and fixing. There is no greater thing which I could hope for, than to live out the very words of God-that he will restore us for greater glory,revealed through the testing of our faith. It means a lot of things. It does.

2008-02-16T00:54:00.000-08:00

I’m fresh out of the shower, with a tinge of mint still lingering right beneath my nose. lol. You’d wonder why. I was…well, kinda humming while I was brushing my teeth,and so I guess I got way too excited. Hehe. It was a pretty catchy tune though, I swear! Had dinner @ swens with brandon,zu & louis- walked around aimlessly for ‘bout half an hour and finally settled for starbucks,there were no seats so we chilled outside for another half hour and then decided that it was time to head home. today has been… productive. In fact, one of the most productive days ever since study break started.that’s probably because Boon came over and rendered aid,lest I be at my demise when I realise im staring blankly at my statistics exam paper next Wednesday. Not at all a gratifying experience and situation to be in, no? haha.

I’ll tell you what’s a gratifying experience.
Creative EP360 earphones. :D
hits all the right notes with my ipod man! >3

2008-02-05T01:34:00.000-08:00

so much for study break,heh.thus far its just been…break.haha. yes, laugh while you still can gifford.
I don’t know if it’s the laptop, even though the word ‘distraction’ is sprawled across the screen clearly enough for anyone in the right mind to see, well… im, just not in the right mind, apparently! The fact that exams are immenently lying in wait for my blood right after the festive season has not made things easier. In fact I kinda feel repulsed by such a thought- having to sit myself at the table and actually study. So you see, I’ve got plenty of issues to work out when the holidays finally greet me!

In other news…

2008-02-04T00:05:00.000-08:00

Each and every time I sit here, immersed in a world of my own thoughts and staring through the window grills and past the obstructing buildings washed in casual, uninteresting colours- out into the vast open sky… I can’t help but feel a tinge of serenity, as if every breath gets lighter and lighter- untill the burdens that weigh me down leave me, as if He could see right through those eyes, and somehow He knew exactly what needed to be fixed and He works His magic- the very next second im unfettered, free as a bird.

If I could remain wherever such an uplifting experience takes me, I would.
after all, this is the only place my spirit will ever come to find rest in, however crushed it arrives it renews in the hope that God knows, and His will is always for my good- even if that meant suffering, He knows-perhaps better than I would ever, how much I could bear. It never slipped His mind for one instant that I would come to the various testing points in my life, those which you and I know as ‘make or break’.

at last, the day I’ve been unconciously waiting for has leaped right in front of me- the weeks that lie ahead are nothing but crucial and anything but unimportant. For lack of a better word, im sick of routine. Of being unsure, doubtful, frustrated and stripped of the peace which once governed my heart and the certainty which once propelled me into the promises of God. those were powerful times, not that now is any less, but it just feels different. In a good way, this much I know, but there’s something else…there is inconsistency.

there is a reality that’s inevitable, that people will fail you, and you’d do the same.

im off,abruptly as usual. a good movie into the wee hours await me.

2008-01-27T00:40:00.001-08:00

sorry folks, I couldn’t resist.

We all know who Barney is, don’t we?
Well, he isnt lovable. That’s right, the Barney we all came to know about as little children is NO MORE!
This, my friends- is proof.

I hate you, you hate me
We shall all be enemies
With a gun to your head and a fart into your face
You are such a big disgrace!

You see! He’s evil. Stay away from him!

heh!I've got another version of this... but for safety reasons i will not include it here, lest I put my life at risk. or theirs.
if you wanna know, pm me alright? :D

2008-01-24T02:06:00.000-08:00

even though it has been about a year now, the anticipation as I walked into the school hall remains fresh in my head. It was one of those momments where you feel as if everything did’nt mean any more to you than this. well at least untill your grades were revealed, the air gets so thick you could barely breathe. You just want it to be over and done with- swift, and clean.
It was bittersweet- regret, satisfaction, dread, excitement. Fused into a volatile knot that binds you against others who just like you- have gathered there that fateful afternoon to receive their o level results.

and then it greets you, 14 points.
was that the best you could do?
was that what you wanted?
are you happy?

even untill today, the answers that I’d give you is at best, a conjecture.
What is considered my best? Had I known, and given it in full- would it have changed anything? would that mean that I would have been happy? I don’t know. I turn around to confront a past that I have resolved to leave behind- and then it becomes just a little bit clearer. I remember walking up a flight of stairs leading to my classroom- where Ms Chew would break the news about the catastrophy that was known as my prelim results. Then it seemed as if 14 points was good. I felt undeserving of 14 points.

One year has passed.
I stand at the ending point of my first year in NP.
In the same way… I turn around to look at a past I resolved to leave behind.
have I allowed failure to weaken that resolve?
It taunts me every night as I rest my head, and cuts deep every morning as I lie awake.
It still eats away at me. When I begin to think again. too much for my own good, or necessary to serve a noble purpose my mind cannot yet bring itself to comprehend? Where is the fight in me?
thoughts run in and out of my head as I type.
some sink in,and they find their way into the keyboard and onto the screen.
others escape, and God knows when they will return to me.

I like being alone sometimes.
friends are good, of course. loved ones better.
but friends fail you. loved ones disappoint you too.
im not any different.
but being alone, in the right frame of mind- can be rewarding.
I like being liberated from judgement, and from judging.
That’s not possible,is it? I’ve felt that kinda freedom, even if it was just for a while. and it was good.
I relish the excitement that comes with writing- all the more when it unties the knots in me.
I delight in staring out into the open sky, if it was just to see a minute fraction of God in all creation. That alone fills my heart with awe. that alone gives peace.
escapism, you think? Probably, but not all the time.
I lke being alone sometimes. It can be rewarding.

2008-01-22T23:13:00.000-08:00

Not being a pessimist, but I’d probably fail today’s Bcomm test. Let’s just leave it at that? heh.
It’s not much of a choice to do really well for the last assessment now, is it?
Had dinner(and some booze,too. some!) at Riverside with Brandon to celebrate his 19^th birthday in the company of : Darren, Bjorn Liu & Xunfu.

Exams are just about three weeks away now? It’s about time I started doing some serious revision. In the mean time, ive got

3 Projects (CATS, NSS & CIP)
1 Assignment(MIEC)
1 Presentation(BCOMM)

this much to clear,and before you know it, there goes my first year in ngee ann.
Upon looking back I remember having to grapple with plenty of issues, some of which ive grown from-others hold me down even untill today. well im either really,really tired- or God just wants me to take my mind off things for a while and find rest in His presence because I found this song on imeem, and I realised how it really reflected a cry in my heart, one that- at this very momment, I find myself being unable to express in words. It’s got beautiful lyrics. And if you havent noticed, which would be really weird- it should be playing in the background! :)

Let now the weak, say I have strength
By the spirit of power,that raised Christ from the dead
Let now the poor, stand and confess
That my portion is here, and Im more than blessed.

Let now our hearts burn with a flame
A fire consuming all for Your Son’s holy name
And with the heavens we declare,
You are our King

We love you Lord, we worship You
You are our God, You alone are good
You asked Your son, to carry this
The heavy cross,our weight of sin.
I love You Lord, I worship You
Hope which was lost, now stands renewed
I give my life, to honour this
the love of Christ, the saviour king.

2008-01-21T01:47:00.000-08:00

surprise surprise! having confronted a frightening state of insanity that seemed imminent, I didn’t think I’d be in the right mind to think straight, not to mention write an entry unless it was to complain. God has an interesting way of dealing with situations like that,though. Explains why im here and in addition to that- I sound normal too, no?

for weeks ive had to tackle issues of insecurity,of fear & doubt. In fact, the battles within were relentless and they grew in intensity sometimes, other times they just… the fact that they existed alone,I should say- left me in a desperate posture of surrender,yet the refusal of the flesh to let go perpetuated this affliction.

In fact, even during pastor eve’s session on solitude I knew that God had something to say, but He just could’nt come through. There I was, in His presence, in the company of the tribe- and yet none of that made me feel any different than I did out there in the world, where I felt crushed,defeated. over and over again. it was during solitude itself that God was able to speak to me, and his word was timely. I did’nt even have my bible with me, all I had was pen and paper. Well yeah,that- and God’s overwhelming presence evident through the word that was deposited in my heart in just a short 10 minutes or so.

‘…above all else guard your heart,for it is the wellspring of life.’

That was all I penned down during solitude on the flimsy piece of paper that I had.
That was all I really needed. Ive allowed sin to overthrow God’s government in my heart, and that’s the reason why Ive felt so screwed up.

“God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear,though the earth gives way, and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam and the moutains quake with their surging”

Psalms 46:1-3

God didn’t just stop there,when he told me to cease all that I was doing and turn to His word an hour ago- I knew he was calling me to be still before Him, and for a very good reason.

Because as I read on, in psalms 46:10-11 he declares,

“Be still and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations,I will be exalted in the earth.’ The Lord Almighty is with us, the God of Jacob is our fortress”

And that was the exact word which prompted me to turn to the bible in the first place! pretty cool huh!

as long as God reigns in our hearts, even in times of trial He will be our peace, our strength, our joy. For if our God is with us, who can stand against us? This was a call back into His presence, where I can reside by His grace. And I know that trying times in my walk with Him await, yet even if I do let go – I know im never too far from his reach.

Call upon the name of the Lord, and be saved.

2008-01-19T22:57:00.000-08:00

This is the year of sabbath, says God. A time for you & I to find rest. yet there will always be a time in our lives when our faith is tested. when we’re stretched and pushed to the edge. we either surrender, or we fight. If only it was easy to choose,huh!
that’s just the thing we need to shake us out of complacency,though.

im learning that you and you alone can break my fall.

2008-01-19T22:05:00.000-08:00

Openhouse is officially over.
Despite the fact that I could’nt be there today, emceeing on thursday & friday afternoon was quite an experience so I guess that leaves me with little, if not,no regrets at all. Heh!
I’d always like to read my older entries on wordpress and blogger, perhaps that’s precisely why I’ve never deleted them-they’re not your typical ‘my life sucks, somebody just kill me’ or ‘the world is screwed,my life is screwed, we should all just die’ kinda blogs. anyways! If you’d like to reeeead, here are the links.

wordpress: http://heartdesperatelyseeking.wordpress.com
blogger: http://www.therisen-one.blogspot.com

2008-01-09T00:55:00.000-08:00

these giants that I fight, they must fall.
the strength I once had,thought it leaves me-they renew at your call.
I fear what tomorrow brings
but your grace has given me this day to speak of greater things
as I grit my teeth and brave the inexpressible cold
You stand with me and I know I’ve got someone to hold

-gifford

2008-01-07T00:04:00.000-08:00

I was reading this book titled ‘adventuring through the bible’ one evening, checking out what it has to say about the book of psalms. What really struck me was how it explained that the entire book was rich with human emotion- no matter what mood you might be in, there will be a psalm to give expression to it. It’s the same thing when we read every other book in the bible, regardless of the state that we’re in- god will have something that He wants to say to us. we don’t always read the bible in hopes that God will leap out from the pages and turn your life around, but as with all things in the Lord- reading His word is an act of faith as much as it is an act of obedience. It’s a process where we learn to grow in our understanding of how god works- his word only comes alive when it passes through our lives- untill then it is just words on a book!

Looks like it’s gonna be another busy week… stats common test 2 tomorrow from 4-6, the band will be meeting up at 7 in town, dylan xunfu and I are meeting up for dinner on tuesday night to discuss our plans for cell group in the future, Wednesday has been left untouched(so far),the cell group’s gonna prayerwalk ajc on thursday evening, & cell retreat(which im rly rly looking forward to) is over the weekend. Speaking of which, I just realised that cell retreat clashes with a training session that I’ll have to attend since im involved in np’s openhouse. The training will be held on Saturday, but as of today the details are not in yet… whyyyyy?!

Im still recovering from the lack of sleep, all the late nights up are really doing me in.
aight, that’s about all I have for now I guess.
Im off to study, if my body can take another hour or two of this punishing routine- I believe,with absolute certainty that only by god’s grace will I be able to accomplish an ambition like such.

Till next time,

2008-01-01T00:05:00.000-08:00

Hey folks!

Ushering in the new year, I’ve decided to freshen things up a little myself. So there you go- (1) im back on blogger(again) and (2)a new skin!

2008.The year of sabbath, a time for you & I to rest in the lord. Looking back at how ive lived the past seventeen years of my life, I feel thankful beyond words for God’s mercy and grace upon me. An otherwise futile existence found meaning in the reality of His word, found power in His truths and faith in His promises. What about the year that lies before me,then?

What makes 2008 different?

Sabbath. A year of rest, not out of faith in our own abilities, but a renewal of faith in the God that gives us our abilities. The battle rages yet, but the soliders will seek refuge to renew their strength. I remember a song from Sunday school that goes, ‘with Christ in the vessel we can smile at the storm,’- heh. That probably says it best. I don’t know about you- but my heart’s greatest desire for this year is to put Christ back in my vessel,figuratively speaking.

The past year was deffinitely a year of great victory, Ive seen how many lives have reflected that- including my own. The only difference, is this- that some were lost to pride, others were won to Christ. I thank God for the victory that He has given me in my family, in each of their lives im starting to see how He has used a situation so unthinkable to us at that time to draw them closer to Him and how they’ve grown stronger in their faith. So have I, I dare say.

The fact remains,though, that we’ll never be able to say that we’re not the least bit worried about what tomorrow will hold- because the reality of life is this- we just can’t let go. At least not out of faith in our own strength. We’ll never be able to understand God’s plans because they have always been, and will always be way above our own.
but I also know this, that walking closely with God gives you a greater measure of understanding about why things are happening around you.

I thought that last year’s countdown was slightly more enjoyable than this one, prolly because I was a performer- that was how I got to know the following people, in no preferred order… Michelle! Shairul! Deyao! Yknow! Yknow!

But, Jesseca Liu,who attends the first sunday service at my church(now y'all wanna come, tsk) came to share her thanksgiving for the year.so i guess that was worth 10 points out of a possible ten, heh! heh! heh!

*long entry alert*
*long entry alert*

Okay, so it’s back to school tomorrow. Excited,gifford? Noooooopes. I havent studied for Bstats CT, which is a week away. I have projects. I have assignments(graded assignments, I mean). I have datelines. I have complaints. But! I have the grace of god. and! I believe everything has always been in God’s hands, this year’s not gonna be any different.

Untill next time
(: