Life Verse
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him,who have been called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28
even though it has been about a year now, the anticipation as I walked into the school hall remains fresh in my head. It was one of those momments where you feel as if everything did’nt mean any more to you than this. well at least untill your grades were revealed, the air gets so thick you could barely breathe. You just want it to be over and done with- swift, and clean.
It was bittersweet- regret, satisfaction, dread, excitement. Fused into a volatile knot that binds you against others who just like you- have gathered there that fateful afternoon to receive their o level results.
and then it greets you, 14 points.
was that the best you could do?
was that what you wanted?
are you happy?
even untill today, the answers that I’d give you is at best, a conjecture.
What is considered my best? Had I known, and given it in full- would it have changed anything? would that mean that I would have been happy? I don’t know. I turn around to confront a past that I have resolved to leave behind- and then it becomes just a little bit clearer. I remember walking up a flight of stairs leading to my classroom- where Ms Chew would break the news about the catastrophy that was known as my prelim results. Then it seemed as if 14 points was good. I felt undeserving of 14 points.
One year has passed.
I stand at the ending point of my first year in NP.
In the same way… I turn around to look at a past I resolved to leave behind.
have I allowed failure to weaken that resolve?
It taunts me every night as I rest my head, and cuts deep every morning as I lie awake.
It still eats away at me. When I begin to think again. too much for my own good, or necessary to serve a noble purpose my mind cannot yet bring itself to comprehend? Where is the fight in me?
thoughts run in and out of my head as I type.
some sink in,and they find their way into the keyboard and onto the screen.
others escape, and God knows when they will return to me.
I like being alone sometimes.
friends are good, of course. loved ones better.
but friends fail you. loved ones disappoint you too.
im not any different.
but being alone, in the right frame of mind- can be rewarding.
I like being liberated from judgement, and from judging.
That’s not possible,is it? I’ve felt that kinda freedom, even if it was just for a while. and it was good.
I relish the excitement that comes with writing- all the more when it unties the knots in me.
I delight in staring out into the open sky, if it was just to see a minute fraction of God in all creation. That alone fills my heart with awe. that alone gives peace.
escapism, you think? Probably, but not all the time.
I lke being alone sometimes. It can be rewarding.